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 The InternetAs bad as the Internet is at times, with its facebook posts about food and its part in the continuing demise of the English language – its most redeeming quality is well captured in this one video: Giving Grandma’s access to pornography and the sight of an African American mans penis. I trust you’ll enjoy these cute older women. "TWO HANDS WITH SPACE IN THE MIDDLE!"
The Rippin' and the Tearin'
For a man that at first view is seemingly past the peak of his sexual powers, Rick pumps and thrusts in such a way that suggests there’s plenty of life in the old stallion yet. He’s clearly enjoying the Indian summer of his career. His smile alone tells you that much, but there are a few standout points that really capture how eager Ricky the sexpot is. At around 13 seconds, he can barely contain his excitement and just wants to talk about how happy he is to be there. Another 13 seconds and he’s grabbing at the mic to deliver his mantra: the Rippin’ and the Tearin’, the Rippin’ and the Tearin’. I’m really struggling to find superlatives in which to describe this moment. With 40 visits to Hedonism 2 under his, err, speedo belt, I can only speculate; but there's a worryingly high chance that this man may have spawned offspring. You would be super-gutted if you stumbled across this video and realised that your Father is the ultimate sexual deviant. I wonder if he's ever met Byron Kelleher at one of these things, and again, I shudder to think about what those two tweezers got up to. You’ll never hear Beyonce’s ‘Diva’ again and not think of Rick thrusting his love in your direction. You can’t escape.
Fun With Boba
The other day the coolest thing happened. Some lady from Hasbro asked us if we wanted to give away some of the new Star Wars toys, which we kindly accepted. I know we’re supposed to be giving them away and all that, but it was just too hard, we had to open one Boba Fett Helmet; we resisted it for a whole day but he just keep looking at me. We all had a turn wearing the helmet, and did a few gag photos of us meandering through our every day work, but wearing the helmet whilst doing so.
Crack up. What happened after that was quite disgusting, but nevertheless more entertaining than a few lame shots of us wearing the helmet at our desks. Introducing, Hayden ‘The Hammer’ Bentley. P.s. It’s Hayden’s 21st on Saturday, so for all Ladies wanting to send in their panties, just drop them off to our store at 302 Great North Rd. Oh yeah, giveaway to follow next week. And all the toys are brand new, completely clean and sterilized.  Steve keeps the Ajax at arms reach at all times. OCD. Me. Super Kawaii. Andy. drinking coffee. like a boss. Wharehinga. dope bro. Fett. at the bus stop. lol. I was going to put something like, "Greetings earthlings" but then I realised that wasn't funny at all. Mel. Old man Phil got amongst it, before declaring: "it's not practical". Rob did wees out of his winky. it's so white, almost porcelain, and rumored to have no scent. Rob offered $50 for Hayden to strip down. Should fund half an hour in town for him. The Money shot. spread eagle.Male Strippers Are NastyLast night I attended a friend of a friend's birthday party out West. Now I don't know how they do it out West...but apparently male strippers are considered totally legit as presents. Upon arrival, the birthday girl had had more than her fair share of vodka cruisers, and really, thank god because nothing would of prepared her for what was coming next. She was instructed to sit on a seat while we formed a semi circle around her and was told that we were going to start a drinking game...but instead was presented with Raven, a 5'8 "stud muffin" with an awe inspiring goatie and Jersey shore abs. Raven wasn't what I imagined male stripper to look like (apart from the firefighter getup), but hey, maybe he's just really good at stripping? Well let me tell you now, the answer to that is no. Like all good strippers, he started with a classic, the Day Bow Bow song by yello. Flinging his axe around, we expected some fireman jokes about it being "hot in here" and "being on fire", but no, our mysterious man instead started grinding on everything in sight and it was about now that I realised he was more of an exhibitionist than a stripper. 55 seconds later he was down to just a man thong. Yum. He made his way over to his briefcase (An essential for all firemen) and I wondered, "What's in the briefcase? A extinguisher? A hose?" No. A silk wrap around. Because, as we all know, nothing gets girls going more than bare man flesh in silk. Seductively replacing his thong with his wrap around, he preceded to then make his way around the room showing girls his bits and flinging it in their face. A dream come true for all. Once he had successfully disturbed everyone in the room, he thanked us and awkwardly started collecting his various bits of clothing from the floor...most of us sat there trying to come to terms by what we had just encountered. But the worst was yet to come... After he had left in his strip-mobile I noticed he had left a little something other than his dignity behind...his white man thong...and upon closer inspection...a delightful little skiddy in the thong...mmmm, it's now a treasured souvenir belonging to the birthday girl. There is a moral to this story...a man with only hair on his head and chin never makes for a good birthday present. Ever. You've been warned. 
Chat Roulette Is For WankersChat Roulette: The new phenomenon sweeping the Internet. It’s one of those things that first came to my attention through old mate Twitter. I just figured it was another tech-savvy fad like Google Wave; Interesting, possibly even helpful, but I’d probably never use it. Then Joe came to work with the revelation that his mate Max had used Chat Roulette and talked to Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba. I want to talk to Jessica Alba. Apparently he got a screenshot too, so it’s legit. The following day, Joe came in and recalled last night’s adventures on chatroulette.com. He didn’t talk to Jessica Alba. Nothing of the sort, no sir, nothing like Jessica Alba. What he saw was far more disgusting. I was alarmed – grown men go on chat roulette with the sole purpose of wanking their dicks in to a camera. I suppose they do so in the faint hope of finding a sexy lady to look at, but there’s every chance that they don’t really mind what they find. Exhibitionists of sorts I guess. Why then did I feel the need to go home and sell the idea to my flat mate? We jumped on; maybe I wanted to see if people were that sick. Maybe I wanted to see Jessica Alba. I think part of me knew what I was going to find - deviants playing with themselves. But I did it anyway, and most people I’ve talked to lately have also taken part. What I got was a whole lot of nothing – it seems that the sight of two young dudes sitting in a room instantly forced people to click the ‘next’ button. Demoralised, we quickly recruited Tim – my other flat mate – and his girlfriend Nicki. Nicki was the bait and it worked a treat. We were meeting people left right and centre. She had enough though and we had to wait until my lady friend Sian came over till we were back in business. Sian knew what was going on, and while initially hesitant, we peer pressured her in to sticking with it. After a while she got over the nerves and started having a little bit of fun. Until the inevitable happened, we saw a man pleasuring himself. She squealed and ran off. Ben and I laughed lots. That was it. We got to see what we were there to see. I think. I dunno. At least some people are a little creative, Joe saw one guy holding up a stick figure drawing but his penis was poking out. That’s legit. And so is this video.
Gizzy. A Round Of Applause
Some interesting news came to light today. Gisborne is the newly crowned ‘Clap Capital’ of the North Island. Which is great.
I think previously Hamilton had held the title, but they’ve now been defeated. Word has it a large number of New Years revelers had an impact in these telling statistics. I’m not pointing my finger at Hayden.
Our designer Joe is from Gisborne, and while he’s not too happy with the new title, he is thinking about a new t-shirt design. I have a feeling he will no longer be welcome in his family home.Gizzy.
Joe. Gazing off in to the fields of Clap. |
