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Last night I attended a friend of a friend's birthday party out West. Now I don't know how they do it out West...but apparently male strippers are considered totally legit as presents.
Upon arrival, the birthday girl had had more than her fair share of vodka cruisers, and really, thank god because nothing would of prepared her for what was coming next. She was instructed to sit on a seat while we formed a semi circle around her and was told that we were going to start a drinking game...but instead was presented with Raven, a 5'8 "stud muffin" with an awe inspiring goatie and Jersey shore abs.
Raven wasn't what I imagined male stripper to look like (apart from the firefighter getup), but hey, maybe he's just really good at stripping? Well let me tell you now, the answer to that is no. Like all good strippers, he started with a classic, the Day Bow Bow song by yello.
Flinging his axe around, we expected some fireman jokes about it being "hot in here" and "being on fire", but no, our mysterious man instead started grinding on everything in sight and it was about now that I realised he was more of an exhibitionist than a stripper. 55 seconds later he was down to just a man thong. Yum.
He made his way over to his briefcase (An essential for all firemen) and I wondered, "What's in the briefcase? A extinguisher? A hose?" No. A silk wrap around. Because, as we all know, nothing gets girls going more than bare man flesh in silk.
Seductively replacing his thong with his wrap around, he preceded to then make his way around the room showing girls his bits and flinging it in their face. A dream come true for all.
Once he had successfully disturbed everyone in the room, he thanked us and awkwardly started collecting his various bits of clothing from the floor...most of us sat there trying to come to terms by what we had just encountered.
But the worst was yet to come... After he had left in his strip-mobile I noticed he had left a little something other than his dignity behind...his white man thong...and upon closer inspection...a delightful little skiddy in the thong...mmmm, it's now a treasured souvenir belonging to the birthday girl.
There is a moral to this story...a man with only hair on his head and chin never makes for a good birthday present. Ever. You've been warned.
Our mate Rick Giles has issued a response. Perhaps a regular spot on Sunrise is in order. The Anti-Ollie: Rick Giles.
One of the first tasks I like to get in to on a Monday morning is the website enquiries. While it can often be quite a menial task, the enquiry content can range from entertaining to frustrating. Today’s enquiries however brought with it a pleasant little surprise we’ve never had before. Here’s the email we got:
Subject: Marmite and Chips Print From: Kaylee Enquiry Date: 2010-03-28 22:11 Hiya, I see the marmite and chips print is the retired prints page. I was just wondering tho, I want to get a tattoo of it but can't copy and save the picture in full so any chance I can get a copy off you guys? :) Chur! Kaylee.Now, while I see it as a huge compliment to Joe’s talent with a pen and computer, it’s pretty crazy. I mean, seriously, it’s not a bad design (above), but is that what you want to look at when you’re like 70… marmite n chips? I’m kind of hoping that she was drunk, seeing as her email was at 11:11pm on a Saturday night, but who knows. Anyway, here are some tattoos that are pretty shit-house.
There was a Tsunami warning so these people at Breaker Bay decided to get their dicks and tits out. real smart move.
Over the weekend there was a Tsunami warning. Some refused to heed the warning, and while there has been little sign of the supposed Tsunami that doesn’t mean you head down to the beach at the height of the warning and flail about tempting fate.
One of these days the Tsunami warning will come to fruition, and while it may sound a little harsh; those dumb enough to continue with their plans for a nude photo shoot on the beach will be eliminated from the human race. Call it natural selection, only those stupid enough to blatantly ignore any sort of Tsunami warning deserve to go.
There’s been a huge furore over those photos published of Corporal Willie Apiata, VC, in Afghanistan. I just want to say one thing. He looks so freaking awesome, even my dear old Mum said, “He looks really tough and cool”.
Joe is considering enlisting after seeing the picture, on the flip side, I feel like way less of a man having seen that picture. It’s a similar feeling I get after watching Man vs. Wild. Bear Grylls is the man, and a far better man than I.
I also see that Millie Holmes/Elder has been arrested again.
That's a piece of poo with decorations on it Millie. from a distance it may look like chocolate or something good and nice, but I assure you it's not. it adds a little bit more to society than you do.
On Friday the majority of us went to the big day out. Good things too, cos apparently we angered the Maori Language Commission people over the 'Whakapapa – you Mum did' t-shirt. Joe designed it, and he’s Maori.
But seriously, it’s just a cheeky little pun and everyone loves a good pun. Before we released it we asked everyone on facebook about the design, and the feedback was well positive – and to be fair we’ve only received two complaints since the story was covered. It's Cool To Kōrero. Oh yeah, and we asked our fans on facebook if they found the t-shirt offensive and this one lady hit us with this. I found it funny. what a crazy chick - I reckon she'd be no fun to hang out with.
Q: Hey guys. Do you think our Whakapapa tee is culturally insensitive?
A: No. I believe your gross commitment to Colonizing bastardization of Indigenous Language and Cultural heritage is though. As a Kuia and a Mother of Kohanga reo and Kura Kaupapa Maori tamariki I find your embicilic self serving racist ignorance enhancing passive aggressive Ostrich with butt in the air theft, rape, pillage and plunder approach ...all too sad and predictable for European exiles. You are a credit to Colonial Schooling ...it not only failed the Indigenous peoples it succeeded in transmitting massified ignorance of which YOU are a classic example Mr V. Your willingness to slam anyone who challenges your right to steal, pillage and plunder Indigenous Intellectual and Cultural property while you trivialize, hypersexualize and shaft it's Sacred lineage perfectly sums you up. YOU do not own this language. YOU do not walk in respect with this culture. YOU are an outsider making insider claims for which YOU do not have any Tribalz permission. YOU are a classic Colonizing racist ignoramus ...do not pull the ...oh I'm just kidding and its only a bit a fun rubbish here ...I have to raise children in the aftermath of your stupidity for the cheap and nasty thrill of your cash register ego arrogance. YOU do not simply impact a language ...YOU impact a whole Web of Existence for which YOU take no responsibility. I also have European Ancestors. So don't pull that bull on me that this is acceptable to all Europeans either. It is irresponsible, blatantly commercial gangsta prostitution of Indigenous Peoples heritage ...for a buck. Well done to your Christopher Columbus curse.
Anyway, check out some of the articles if you want to. YouTube video TVNZ story newstalkZB even got amongst it.
1 February 1981. NZ Vs Aus. Melbourne Cricket Ground. Match 3 of 5 with the series level at 1-1. Final ball. NZ need a 6 to win. Captain Greg Chappell quickly consults the Devil. Greg orders brother Trevor to bowl an underarm ball. Trevor delivers the cowardly roll, and quickly makes his way to the changing room – clasping two one-way tickets to hell for him and his big bro. A dark day for all concerned.
We got this email from Peter L*&^ard on Sunday.
From: peter l*&^ard
Enquiry date: 2009-09-13 18:35
12. We use Capital letters at the start of sentences as well as for names of countries and people.
10. ‘Ignorent’ is spelt ignorant.
9. im. I'm. It's like saying I am. That's a good way to remember it.
7. Business. B-u-s-i-n-e-s-s. Not that hard.
4. Say it to their faces Peter, not 'there faces'.
3. Have you been in control off them? Have you? nah.
1. Just consider revising that last sentence.
Oh, and Peter. Please don't "make sure that it gets harder" for us. Please. Anything but that.
Following yesterdays tiff with those dudes in Australia, we’re totally stoked with the support we’ve recieved from our loyal followers. You guys are wicked awesome. Facebook comments, blog entries, Tweets, and emails flowed in. Sadly no facsimile this time however.
Anyway, I chucked a few up on the site for you to check out. Get in to it; it’s a good laugh. With regards to how we’ll proceed, we’re pretty happy to put this all behind us to be honest – they’ve taken up enough of our time. But it was fun.
I know they maintain, “there is nothing that could be considered plagiarism on the site”, and I could spend more time making screen shots of the text that I wrote on their website, but there’s no point. I’m done checking their website, I suggest you do the same.
The other day on Facebook some person recommended I become a fan of this site called Klub Retro, so I checked it out and noticed more than a few little similarities with Mr Vintage. As I continued to check out their content pages, I noticed that they’d copied our banners as well, and once I clicked through I realized that not only had they taken inspiration from our website, they had literally copied and pasted our copy from the website too! They're like us, but way more shit. They're designs are pretty amateur, but bless them for trying...
It’s pretty annoying that a company would just come along and blatantly steal so much from our website. We worked on that for ages and put a lot of work and time in to designing it, and for someone to come along and rip it off leaves us with a pretty shitty feeling in the stomach.
I’ve included a few screen shots to show you how much they’ve copied us…. But if you really want to help out, just email them (email@example.com) and tell them how strongly you disapprove of their blatant plagiarism. CC me in (jay (@) mrvintage.co.nz) and the best few emails will win free tees.
Last Friday this Johnson (extremely under-utilised term for penis) parked right in front of our showroom door from about mid-day to after we left work. We could barely get out the door! Hayden kept going on about it being a fire hazard, but it was more the principle of it all. In any case, I just don’t understand what would make someone think that it’s a park; you can’t park in front of a door, that’s ludicrous. Anyway, we wanted to get them towed, but turns out it’s a council issue, and you know they only come with tickets when you don’t want them to. So the bugger got let off the hook. Well, not quite, we did draw some Johnsons (I know, you get it, I like using the name Johnson instead of dick) on the back of his car in the dust. That’s worse than getting towed. Don’t mess with us.